Your video stirred up another cherished thought this morning. It's an excerpt from a collection of mother's day essays from years ago. I want my sons to understand this.
"My brother said a wonderful thing to me about our mother's dying: He had been saying for some time that she was moving toward her death in her own very deliberate way. She was moving moving all the time, he said, with a kind of grace and determination even though she appeared to be SO silent and SO still. He made it sound as if our mother was engaged in a slow dance, across one of the dark and polished
floors I associate in my imagination with her childhood. I saw her in my mind's eye, all by herself, moving across a large room
toward two tall French doors that opened onto a garden full of sunlight
"Our only job," my brother said, "is to move the furniture out of her way."
Amazing. Thank you for this real-talk, courageous and vulnerable share. So much of what you spoke resonated with me -- the atrocious medical matrix where thousands of dollars must be spent for an ambulance to drive someone across the street, the relentless medical treatment that keeps someone alive who has no quality of life and would die naturally without that next medication or surgery or..., the lack of grief when a parent is finally released from their pain and suffering (just like me with my dad), the love and appreciation for the hospice workers. Gosh, I could go on. I appreciate you.
I had a somewhat difficult relationship with my mother also and felt relief from the judgement at her death as well as guilt for feeling relieved. It wasn’t until about 4 years after her death that I began to recognize my internal conflict and reconcile my feelings about her. I’m now at a point that I feel at peace about us and accept that she was just a human with flaws that were driven by her own experiences as a child. And though she may not have loved me in the way that I wanted, she did as she was able.
Your story of your mom’s last years, months, days is very similar to my Mom’s journey. It haunts me, the injustice. Like you I slept beside her during her last weeks ever fearing about the morphine dose.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Very relatable. End-of-life decisions are fraught with questions, unknowns, and fear for those on both sides of the question. Your mother ultimately made the decision for herself, relieving you of that responsibility. You unselfishly accepted the burden of her long-term care, but I completely understand your lack of grief at her passing, and the relief it brought for you while at the same time releasing her from suffering.
Thank you for this. I'm currently caring for my 93 year old mother in an assisted living facility in Carlsbad, CA. I'm the youngest of 6 & the only family member in CA, the rest are on the East Coast. Your story, and your frankness, is so appreciated. I'm subscribing and look forward to hearing more of your experience. Wishing you well, funny, funny lady!
This video touches my heart and mirrors my experiences with the last days of each of my parents. If not for a friend who worked in hospice, we would not have known we could insist on hospice for our father even though the doctor who saw him (a stand in for his regular doc who was on vacation) said he wasn’t at that point. We knew he was. We insisted and got care for him—he died the night hospice took over. We were so very grateful they were there. We also learned that once hospice is involved, it is totally possible for them to stop care if the patient doesn’t need them, and they can be called back to care later on, when the need becomes again pertinent. So hospice care does not have to be a one-time only opportunity for patients. Thank you for this video. It is such a tribute to your love.
Thank you for sharing your experience. There is such a common ground with so many others and myself. My mom passed in Oct, 2022. We, as family has continued, estates are settled, but still the comparisons to others and what they do in similar experience haunts. I find myself still wishing to talk on the phone with her but it was a very difficult process in the last few years.
Thank you for this. It’s good to see someone honestly feeling. Kind of how I expect to feel. We’re in the midst of this, or moving toward it at any rate. Both my parents are in a Memory Care Facility (in the same room... the only place that let them stay together). Like you, I have a complex relationship with my Mom. I love her and we have had some good times, but mostly, while I try to believe she loves me, I know she never (or almost never) ,from at least age 8 or so, liked me. And Dad always supports her ( I recently realized that he had to have seen what she said/did, but he never tried to stop it). Fortunately, I’m not the kid closest to the facility and thus don’t have to make the immediate decisions that now fall in my youngest brother’s lap. He does try to keep me and my other living brother (we live 1500+ miles away) informed by text and calls and seek our input on bigger decisions but most the burden is on him as he is only half an hour from them. The latest assessments by their doctor, which we just got, show Dad is in moderate dementia but not depressed or anxious (they caught him on a good day). Mom is in severe Alzheimer’s Disease, and maxed out the depression and anxiety scales. The doctor thinks she has 1-2 years before the dementia kills her. My brothers and I are hoping for 1 because if she’s that depressed and anxious, 2 is just torture. I found out last night that when both brothers were there, Dad had an episode where he just slumped over and was non responsive, then his pacemaker kicked in as they were calling for staff help and he revived with no memory of it. I feel kind of awful for thinking that now I have to hope the pacemaker shorts out next time. I don’t really wish them dead, but dementia was their greatest fear in the last thirty years of their lives (both my grandmothers had it) and they would’ve hated their lives now if they were really cognizant of it. And I’m torn by guilt for hoping it’s soon. And I made the mistake of saying that to the man I love (who is providing care for his mother, who is mentally still here, but falls, and does not want to leave her home), and he got real quiet, and said he thinks what I said is awful. And is withdrawing. And that hurts too.
Thank you for posting this on the anniversary of the day that my mother died in a similar way: demented, in pain, in a care home that did not have memory care, etc. It is both sad and affirming to listen to... And aren't those immigrant women who take care of our suffering mothers the epitome of kindness? I will be forever grateful to them.
Your video stirred up another cherished thought this morning. It's an excerpt from a collection of mother's day essays from years ago. I want my sons to understand this.
"My brother said a wonderful thing to me about our mother's dying: He had been saying for some time that she was moving toward her death in her own very deliberate way. She was moving moving all the time, he said, with a kind of grace and determination even though she appeared to be SO silent and SO still. He made it sound as if our mother was engaged in a slow dance, across one of the dark and polished
floors I associate in my imagination with her childhood. I saw her in my mind's eye, all by herself, moving across a large room
toward two tall French doors that opened onto a garden full of sunlight
"Our only job," my brother said, "is to move the furniture out of her way."
This is so moving and TRUE (in my experience as a physician).
We die badly.
I am glad both you and she have found relief. I am truly sorry it was a process so long and so hard for you both. 😞❤️
Amazing. Thank you for this real-talk, courageous and vulnerable share. So much of what you spoke resonated with me -- the atrocious medical matrix where thousands of dollars must be spent for an ambulance to drive someone across the street, the relentless medical treatment that keeps someone alive who has no quality of life and would die naturally without that next medication or surgery or..., the lack of grief when a parent is finally released from their pain and suffering (just like me with my dad), the love and appreciation for the hospice workers. Gosh, I could go on. I appreciate you.
Love this sentiment.
If "only god" decides when a person dies, how do doctors in a catholic hospital reconcile that with lifesaving drugs & procedures?
Looking forward to more of your rants.
I had a somewhat difficult relationship with my mother also and felt relief from the judgement at her death as well as guilt for feeling relieved. It wasn’t until about 4 years after her death that I began to recognize my internal conflict and reconcile my feelings about her. I’m now at a point that I feel at peace about us and accept that she was just a human with flaws that were driven by her own experiences as a child. And though she may not have loved me in the way that I wanted, she did as she was able.
Your story of your mom’s last years, months, days is very similar to my Mom’s journey. It haunts me, the injustice. Like you I slept beside her during her last weeks ever fearing about the morphine dose.
Very poignant and thoughtful video. Thanks for sharing it.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Very relatable. End-of-life decisions are fraught with questions, unknowns, and fear for those on both sides of the question. Your mother ultimately made the decision for herself, relieving you of that responsibility. You unselfishly accepted the burden of her long-term care, but I completely understand your lack of grief at her passing, and the relief it brought for you while at the same time releasing her from suffering.
Thank you for this. I'm currently caring for my 93 year old mother in an assisted living facility in Carlsbad, CA. I'm the youngest of 6 & the only family member in CA, the rest are on the East Coast. Your story, and your frankness, is so appreciated. I'm subscribing and look forward to hearing more of your experience. Wishing you well, funny, funny lady!
This video touches my heart and mirrors my experiences with the last days of each of my parents. If not for a friend who worked in hospice, we would not have known we could insist on hospice for our father even though the doctor who saw him (a stand in for his regular doc who was on vacation) said he wasn’t at that point. We knew he was. We insisted and got care for him—he died the night hospice took over. We were so very grateful they were there. We also learned that once hospice is involved, it is totally possible for them to stop care if the patient doesn’t need them, and they can be called back to care later on, when the need becomes again pertinent. So hospice care does not have to be a one-time only opportunity for patients. Thank you for this video. It is such a tribute to your love.
Thank you for sharing your experience. There is such a common ground with so many others and myself. My mom passed in Oct, 2022. We, as family has continued, estates are settled, but still the comparisons to others and what they do in similar experience haunts. I find myself still wishing to talk on the phone with her but it was a very difficult process in the last few years.
Thanks for this. So much truth.
Thank you for this. It’s good to see someone honestly feeling. Kind of how I expect to feel. We’re in the midst of this, or moving toward it at any rate. Both my parents are in a Memory Care Facility (in the same room... the only place that let them stay together). Like you, I have a complex relationship with my Mom. I love her and we have had some good times, but mostly, while I try to believe she loves me, I know she never (or almost never) ,from at least age 8 or so, liked me. And Dad always supports her ( I recently realized that he had to have seen what she said/did, but he never tried to stop it). Fortunately, I’m not the kid closest to the facility and thus don’t have to make the immediate decisions that now fall in my youngest brother’s lap. He does try to keep me and my other living brother (we live 1500+ miles away) informed by text and calls and seek our input on bigger decisions but most the burden is on him as he is only half an hour from them. The latest assessments by their doctor, which we just got, show Dad is in moderate dementia but not depressed or anxious (they caught him on a good day). Mom is in severe Alzheimer’s Disease, and maxed out the depression and anxiety scales. The doctor thinks she has 1-2 years before the dementia kills her. My brothers and I are hoping for 1 because if she’s that depressed and anxious, 2 is just torture. I found out last night that when both brothers were there, Dad had an episode where he just slumped over and was non responsive, then his pacemaker kicked in as they were calling for staff help and he revived with no memory of it. I feel kind of awful for thinking that now I have to hope the pacemaker shorts out next time. I don’t really wish them dead, but dementia was their greatest fear in the last thirty years of their lives (both my grandmothers had it) and they would’ve hated their lives now if they were really cognizant of it. And I’m torn by guilt for hoping it’s soon. And I made the mistake of saying that to the man I love (who is providing care for his mother, who is mentally still here, but falls, and does not want to leave her home), and he got real quiet, and said he thinks what I said is awful. And is withdrawing. And that hurts too.
She had a very good death, in the end, because she had someone she loved right by her side. And I also agree that the nuns make everything better.
Thank you for posting this on the anniversary of the day that my mother died in a similar way: demented, in pain, in a care home that did not have memory care, etc. It is both sad and affirming to listen to... And aren't those immigrant women who take care of our suffering mothers the epitome of kindness? I will be forever grateful to them.